Thursday, January 23, 2014

Happiness Multiplied by Tutu

I talked to my sister today.

LoriAnn.

We emailed back & forth a little and shared enough information that warranted audible reactions. So I called her on my way home...one of the benefits of a foggy 25-minute commute.

She's one of the small handful of people who actually believe me when I tell her I'm happy. She doesn't second-guess, there's no "Are you really?" dripping in pity.

She celebrates with me!

Over the course of 30 years, some people pay off their homes. Some celebrate their child's college graduation. Some welcome their 18th grandbaby.

Over the course of my 30 years, I have become happy with who I am. I have learned my worth.

I do not have everything figured out; I still struggle with mommy-guilt; I am still foolishly impulsive about some things; and as much as I'd like to imagine myself as the prima ballerina delicately floating through life, I know I'm a closer match to Ace Ventura in a tutu at the mental institute.


I have had to be told I am worthless for me to actively search for reasons that I am. And I found them. Some I found simply out of spite. But that "spite" turned into a firmer handshake, better posture, and direct eye contact. And, honey, I don't think I have to tell you that confidence is impossible to ignore.

A girlfriend of mine made a comment a week or two ago that stuck with me because it made me uncomfortable - "Go anywhere and you'll see men look right at you...and you'll see women looking at the ground." I'm not that girl.

I've learned lots of things when interacting with people, especially when meeting them for the first time. But two are currently most prominent:
  1. Men are surprised by my quick wit and ability to communicate intelligently.
  2. Women are surprised that I'm not the bitch they assumed I would be.
I try to present myself in ways that clear both of those things up quickly so I don't miss out on an amazing relationship. Because when I love you, I tell you. Because none of us have time for anything less, do we? (And don't use the "luv u" or "love ya" or any other sissy-la-la nonsense - SAY IT FOR REALSIES. Own it. You have nothing to lose.)

My home is a place of love, sarcastic eyebrows, boundaries, laughter, frustrated questions, and ninja weapons. And I am providing for the 3 little personalities who live here with me - the ones who see all sides of me and know that just because the high heels come off, my worth doesn't.

Know that you have something to offer everyone you come in contact with. Every single one. It sounds so "blog-ish" to say this, but it is absolutely true. And because you hold that power, you are valuable, even beyond being valued by the "regulars" (family & close friends & those adoring pets).

I read a quote by a child who, upon being asked what he noticed about adults, responded with, "They seem grumpy." And then I died a little inside because HE'S RIGHT. We don't need another person to be happy (someone please tell this to the matriarchs of my church), and you know what they say about mo' money. My remedy for the Common Adult? Smile so much your cheeks hurt like Flight Attendant Barbie, laughing is even better (burns way more calories), dance a little every day (in your car, in your kitchen, on the dance floor - just do it), and when someone shares their good fortune with you - CELEBRATE WITH THEM. Be that valuable person to them while making them feel valuable.

And then walk around meeting people's gazes with an infectious confidence that dares them to get to know you.

(Unless it's a French model you met on the internet who is now trying to meet your gaze right outside your window. Then assess how valuable you are and confidently dial 911.)

Thursday, January 09, 2014

Valued | Amy

It dawned on me the other day that January brought with it an anniversary of sorts. I could feel it...and I knew it was important to me...but I couldn't pin-point exactly what was stirring up these celebratory feelings. I started flipping through my planners from last year, became temporarily side-tracked as all my little hand-written notes took me backwards through days and months and the things that make up a life, and then I found it:

 Saturday, January 19, 2013
"9:00 a.m. - Java w/Amy"

That is the when & where of the beginning of an incredible gift that has been given to me, one day at a time.

But it's not THE beginning.

Before I explain further, please allow me to introduce my sweet Amy Schutte:


Church youth group and a large gorge in Washington allowed our lives to bump gently into each other. Until I decided my boyfriend was laughing a little too hard at her jokes. And so, like the mature woman I was at the age of 17, I made a conscious effort to dislike Amy. (And that particular boyfriend.)

Time whisked us both away to different experiences so we could become the women we are today. But what I love most about this story is that we now get to be those women...together.

There is something, or maybe 1 million somethings, about Amy that draws you to her. You may not notice it but all of a sudden, there you are, near her, or wishing you could be. The obvious assumption would be her beauty. She is radiant and powerful and smart and feminine and sexy and funny. All of those things all of the time.

She is an anomaly. Or maybe an alien. I love her regardless.

A shared interest in photography was all it took to prompt our morning Java date. And then I knew I was so thankful to have a chance to get to know this girl who had been in and around my life for years, but not yet a part of it.

We soon discovered many other common interests. We have independent & wild spirits trapped in our small-town selves, but we like it here, too. We have fears & insecurities that maybe we just don't want to talk about right now...but if we do, we're making them into a joke because it's easier to deal with that way. Our borderline-obsessive love of Sun Valley in the fall. And an incurable disease some refer to as wanderlust. But one of my favorite aspects of our friendship are the places in which we are opposite and yet still complementary.

Amy's strength & determination has blown my head back more than once. This woman will succeed at whatever she puts her mind to. And what I have been so blessed to see that applied to has been her love for her husband and her role as a bonus mom to her husband's two children. She alone has reignited my faith in what a marriage can be...not just what it should be. Commitment, yes, of course. You don't hear too many people celebrating 30-, 40-, 50-year anniversaries these days. But beyond the commitment...beyond the resignation...beyond the bad marriage jokes, is a fire and a passion and the decision to love someone else to the point of bursting. And it takes 2 seconds to see that between she & Ryan. And I am so thankful to have that in my life. To be able to breathe it in, to see & feel its effects, and to learn from it. That same decision to love is applied to Avery & Mason - the "littles" of Team Schutte. She has made the choice to step in and share herself with them - the best, the good enough, and the hard days - and to show them that it's ok, it's ok to feel however you feel but try to learn from it, and that no matter what - LOVE WINS.
 
 
I know they probably don't grasp the significance of the presence of this amazing woman in their lives right now, but I am predicting some very soggy wedding speeches down the road because of the impact she made.

Amy's brilliant mind & radiant heart are so incredibly valuable to me. This was solidified for me when I went through a tough time this last summer. Her head & her heart are woven together so beautifully that I remember being distracted by it. Every word she said passed through her heart first - no judgment, no cliches, no sugar-coating or condemning...she just let me be. Because feelings are valid simply because they exist. She allowed me to feel however I needed while letting me know that I was still valuable & loved. And that, when she got home from Kentucky, we were going to put on our big hats and allow the sun to penetrate our very bones, because what problem wouldn't that solve?? And now, I am half a year away from that hard time, but immeasurably closer to her.

And I am just left feeling grateful for being given treasured pieces of her - her words, her cheerleading, her perspective, her time.

Amy, on your best days & your bag-over-your-head-in-the-closet days, know that each & every part of what makes you, you, is so, so valuable to me. Thankful for you & loving you a weird amount (and a little more) every day...