It is not going to be inspirational.
Only a handful of people will be able to relate.
Maybe not even a handful. Maybe only, like, two.
So awkward. And yet, here we are.
In an attempt to alleviate some of the potential awkwardness, I'll start with an introduction. Hi. I'm Janelle. That's me off to the right, the woman dressed only in hibiscus flowers. I'm a divorcee and a single mom. And depending on who you are, that's 2 strikes against me. However, I do believe I qualify for several reality TV shows and I count that as a win.
I think.
I was in an abusive marriage. Please do not refer to me as any kind of "survivor" because it evokes pity and sympathy and doesn't that just sound like a party. I also managed to get myself into that mess. I stayed as long as I had to and then got the hell out. And that's why my divorce is a victory and I celebrated it with cake. If you'd like to know more surrounding the situation or why I felt I had to stay, please feel free to ask. Until then, feel free to withhold judgment. Or I will feel free to throw bits of real panther at you. (It stains.)
I have a son. And due to the aforementioned events, he's been the man of the house for half of his 8.5 years. I am not counting the men I've dated since my divorce. Until they live in my home, they don't yet qualify. But his skinny, sweet little body has changed my life for a second time.
I'm going to talk about dating. But not because I'm lonely or feeling a void or lacking fulfillment or am desperate to find a "father-figure" for my son. I love my life. Some may argue a little too much. The single life suits me in many respects. But regardless, I'm not against getting to know someone I am initially attracted to.
However. (Heh.)
Being a single mom changes things. Almost everything, really. Because it becomes astronomically easier to disappoint people. Like, seriously, EVERYONE. Even your laundry is eventually like, "Oh, you think you can just remember the fabric softener this time and that's supposed to make everything ok?" The disappointment is unavoidable. Either you're out too much (not necessarily dating) and "neglecting" every. single. other. thing. Or you're not being social enough, not meeting new people, not enjoying new experiences, not finding the next potential Mr. Right, etc. These are other people's mindsets that are thrust into your somewhat-flailing-but-otherwise-happy world. And no matter how ridiculous or irrelevant or offensive those comments are, don't you hate that it still makes you stop and pause?
Why do I have to be disappointing someone? Why is my life not enough for them?
Try saying those things out loud and then you'll really be able to hear the crazy.
Because, if for one second, they could see the war your heart and your mind are fighting all. the. time. maybe they'd pipe down...take a second before "fixing" you.
The long-term relationship I had after my divorce opened my eyes to the fact that I can juggle. Or at least I can make you think that I can. Dating someone you aren't ready to introduce to your child yet is like infidelity. You want to spend time with both parties but oh-my-gosh-they-can't-know-about-each-other-because-it-will-mess-everything-up. I can see it in a man's face/eyes how he truly feels about me having son when I tell him. And so, no matter how much chemistry/attraction/potential is there, it all hangs on Eric (who is blissfully unaware, praise Jesus.) And Head says, "You need to tell Mr. Right Now. It's time. He needs to know and only then will you know if this can move forward." And Heart is all down here like, "Why are you having such a hard time telling someone about your own son? Your pride & joy, light of your life, your reason for living? Hmmm? You should be shouting it from the rooftops! Are you ashamed of him? Embarrassed? He's only kinda the most important person in your life right now. GEEZ."
And this is my reality. Welcome. BYOB.
And thus begins a series of internal battles that never have a victor. Not to mention the external battles brought to your doorstep by well-meaning and/or meddling individuals who don't think you're doing it right.
Whatever IT is.
To those individuals - take comfort in knowing that I know. I know I'm screwing up. I worry about it constantly. How I have such a sweet and forgiving son is nothing short of a merciful act of God and those mercies are what I continuously fall back on. It would be totally awesome if you would extend me some mercy, too. I would totally celebrate that with cake and ask you to be my friend. Or you can go on your way, happy to know the struggle is real for me because, after all, I got myself into this mess, didn't I? But be it known that I will spit in your general direction.
To those individuals worried about the social side of my life - take comfort in knowing that God knows. He allows people into and out of my life and has had pretty good control of things thus far. I currently have an incredible bunch of people in my life that I absolutely love to spend time with. And you never know who's on the horizon. I may cry, I may learn a hard lesson, or I may fall out-of-my-mind in love, but unless you're the reason behind any of those three things, chill out. Your world shouldn't be too rocked by any of it.
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Three articles recently crossed my path and inspired me to dust off my blog again. If you can relate, I recommend checking out all stinking three of them. If you can't really relate but want a laugh, then just check out the last one:
1. Dating After Divorce
2. Why Moms Need to Have Something of Our Own
3. My Friends Are Married...And I'm Just 25 & Drunk
