Not Being Anything In Particular

I stay up way too late. Regularly. Which is, by all logical accounts, foolish.

I am an adult. Or at least my Idaho-issued identification card says I am. My birthday this year will indicate the same.

I should be drawing healthy boundaries for myself in the form of putting myself to bed at a reasonable hour.

Reasonable? Let's just be real for a minute.

I figured out why I stay up too late even though I know I shouldn't...

I don't have to make any decisions at this hour.

Eric is asleep, as are the dogs. My phone is quiet (because other, more responsible adults are also asleep.) The FB feed has slowed down. The TV is off. And Pinterest would just be too overwhelming.

There are only 3 steady sounds penetrating this late hour: the snores of two pugs, the accusatory tick-tock of the clock, and the wind.

And I am content. Or maybe I'm not. I don't know because I DON'T HAVE TO MAKE THAT DECISION RIGHT NOW.

I am marinating in the quiet and the irresponsibility of this "adult" hour. This hour that I would gawk & gape at if Eric asked to stay up til. How reckless it sounds. No good ever comes from this hour.

Right?

Instead of anticipating the stimulating lights, music, libations, people of the "late night" crowd, I relish the idea of being alone...or maybe not alone...but quiet, silent even. Just being. But not being anything in particular.

Which is the best part.

I don't have to decide what to make for dinner. Or what ensemble to wear in the changing Idaho weather. Or if Eric can sport green & black hair to school. Or what the month of June will require of my time & resources. Or come to any conclusions at all.

Sometimes, I have a drink standing next to my laptop. Like I do now. But I'm not drinking it. The ice cube is a small raft floating on top. I could take a drink...or abandon it. I haven't decided yet. But I like how it looks. So the only decision I've made is to keep it there.

Will I wish I would have gone to bed earlier when the morning comes? Of course. But that's not my concern right now. Nothing is, really.

I am free - held captive only by the blanket I've wrapped around me like a cape.

It's the part of the evening when the world has to decide what day it's going to be.

If it were up to me, I'd choose some day in June.

But I don't have to make that decision right now.