This Gym Membership Not Suitable for All Audiences

For most of my adult life, I have been asked how I stay so thin.

It ain't because of the gym.

But I don't avoid the gym simply because I don't "need" to go there.

Have any of you noticed the epidemic sweeping across the fitness world? It's hard not to, though you may not recognize it in terms of "fitness".

Let's try "Adult Entertainment". Or "Must Be 18 Years or Older". Or "Soft-Core P*rn".

Because when you sign up for the gym, read the girl-you-FIIIINE-print, and sign the contract, it becomes apparent that you didn't just sign up for a gym membership. You signed up to star in Golds Gym Productions (or Crossfit Media or Look How High I Hiked Today Entertainment, you get the idea.)

In case you're considering this, or managed to inadvertently sign up without actually reading the technical stuff, here's what you need to expect:
If using the facility and its various machines & equipment does start giving you results and you begin to look quote-unquote "hotter", you will be given a smartphone and toddler clothes. (The occasional set of "casual headphones" may be included, depending on your facility.)
Once you (and 3 of your friends) have managed to forcefully apply the children's clothing to your body, you will be asked to step in front of a mirror. Any mirror will do.
And then you take several nearly-nude self-portraits in poses of varying levels of promiscuity.
Bonus Points awarded for any of the following:

• Posting to Instagram & FB within 47 seconds of each other.
• Using 3+ filters and/or collage settings.
• Duck face.
• Booty shot(s). (Collage setting encouraged here.)
• Posing with protein shake and/or kale.
• Galaxial* Narcissistic Status achieved when you incorporate a random, unrelated "inspirational" quote into any of the above images.

Get it, girl. Just be aware of the inherent danger.
And everyone knows kale doesn't even taste good.


*Galaxial may not be an actual term but I can see it in bold neon letters on a jar of whey protein so that is validation enough for me.