Rules for Life (Or, Why I Wasn't Voted Prom Queen)

1. Don't look for actual inspiration on Pinterest. Unless of course you are looking for ways on how to suffocate the dreams of the wedding you may very well never have, bury your self-loathing in homemade ice cream, or simply escape the harmonious screaming of the small humans entrusted to your care.
2. Don't neglect how yoga pants and wine are directly linked to mental health. If the voices are just a little louder than usual today, you're deficient in one/both of the above.
3. Don't excitedly climb aboard the Coconut Water bus thinking it will taste like an Almond Joy with a straw stuck in it. It doesn't. (A cocktail umbrella only numbs the disappointment for a short while.)
   

   

   Yes, but where's the rum?

   
   
4. If you leave something open, make sure you close it. This includes your mouth.
5. Don't write "like like like!" on someone's FB status and then not actually click "Like".
6. Do compliment someone when they do/say/wear something pleasing to you. It will knock their socks off. And it's free! And maybe they'll tell you how amazing you are, too!
7. When making life-altering decisions like: To Brazilian or Not to Brazilian? or either of the following: Purchasing a I Heart Mustaches shirt or Growing An Actual Mustache, keep in mind that you are A. opening yourself up for possible ridicule, and B. obligated to talk and/or blog about it ('cause you know it's gonna happen after too much wine anyway.)
8. Don't laugh at the person rocking out on the treadmill. They're having more fun than you.
9. Rock out on the treadmill.
10. You are never too old to be polite. Unless you're in diapers. Then your debt to society has probably been paid.
11. Don't interrupt. It makes me all stabby.
12. Each person's opinion is valuable. Often wrong, but valuable.
13. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and strength because there may come a time when He's the only thing preventing you from devouring your own child.
14. It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. It does matter if I can see the bottom of that glass.
15. Don't label yourself as a "feminist". It seems redundant. And silly.
16. Do wear a bra. A cute one.
17. If you reserve the right to curse loudly and/or smoke around me or my child, I reserve the right to withhold respect and assume you (and your teeth) didn't quite finish 8th grade.
18. Don't whistle at girls as you walk by. One day you will meet one that will make you regret it.
19. Try, try, try not to assume. But if you do, make it outlandish.
20. Learn Spanish...just in case.