Seasons of the Heart: Fall(ing Down)

F***.

No, not that "f" word.

I meant...fall.

You're gonna make me say it out loud, aren't you?

Oh, all right. FALL.

And to me, and the thin appendages at the end of each arm and leg, that...is a four-letter word. And now that's it's September in Idaho, it's beginning to offend me. These 40-50 degree nights have come as an unwelcome, uncomfortable shift in the seasons...and in my mood. It's an awkward place between shorts and pants, iced or hot, holding hands or snuggling.

It's unclear!

And as if responding to the weather, I can feel my spiritual "tree" dropping leaves and taking in the pile beginning to form around its base. And the scene is lacking the usual exuberance normally associated with a pile of rich-colored leaves just begging to be thrown and released to the breeze.

The summer has been full of wonderful activities and warm memories. Always so much to do, so many people with whom to spend time. The hot nights slip through my fingers like the tiny strings on a bikini.

And suddenly, I feel good...but not great. Happy...but not thrilled. Hopeful...but not genuinely optimistic. Confident...but not completely proud.

I've missed several Sunday morning worship services this summer. And by "missed", I mean "have not attended" as well as "felt the absence of and have longed for".

My church is my second home. Because I belong there. But also because part of it belongs to me. In me. And by doing things other than spend time there, I have taken complete advantage of what is being offered to me.

I can feel my heart go through seasons of its own. And right now, I, too, can feel the transition into Fall(ing down). I am unsettled. I am frustrated. Ashamed. I am painfully aware of the areas in which I lack.

I have a beautiful lime-green, crocodile-skin-covered Bible. It is truly amazing and has loads of extra features geared specifically for a woman's heart. And doesn't it look pretty laying on the backseat of my car?

And my church friends? Haven't talked to them for weeks, but Facebook tells me all's well, so I really have no reason to check-in with them and see how they're really doing...right?

And my Savior? He promised He loves me always. And I touch-base with him when my plane hits some turbulence or when the church prayer requests come through my inbox. But to thank Him for every minute he gives me with my son...or for the job He handed me...or for the healthy body He's given to each member of my family...or for that blue-topaz-colored sky that you can't touch but you long to be out under simply because it's not part of the 4 walls we spend our lives in? He knows how spectacular His creation is...right?

Well, that last one is right, which is why it's even more amazing that the Lord allows us to be a part of and enjoy it at all. You know how, often times, when a dog misbehaves, we lock them up in a kennel or crate? Cut off from everything they want to do, from those they love to be with? Well, I'm a teeny bit thankful for teeny thing called GRACE. 

So, I'm hoping that, like the trees this fall that bare everything as a beautiful, graceful adjustment to the seasons, that my priorities will strip down and adjust as necessary.

Because cold I can live with. Unsettled, ungrateful, and ashamed, I cannot.